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| Sometimes I wonder how I got here. How did I get to the ageof 29, still single, not even dating? I know I missed a lot of opportunities incollege, though I really didn’t have the money then and lacked the mobility (a.k.a.A Car). I feel like college would havebeen, and still is for those younger than me, the best time to date otherpeople. Why? Well, they are in your classes, your cafeteria, your clubs, and organizations;not to mention the network of friends, who know other friends, gets to bepretty rich to meet new people. But in college, I still wasn’t reallyemotionally ready. I did like one girl, but she didn’t feel the same. Then, shewanted to be friends on her terms, never returning my calls but then gettingfrustrated when I didn’t return an Instant Message at 2AM cause I was tired and going tosleep. I guess I just have a hard time getting over rejection, seems like ittakes me like two or three years to get over someone if I really liked them andinvested time in them, invested myself in them, even if we were not dating.
As a matter of fact, I didn’t go on my first date untilgraduate school. I took her out for Chinese and to see The Hulk (the one withEdward Norton, eh... it was OK). I had a feeling she wasn’t into me, but then she would open upto me and we would talk for hours. I guess I was confused but also too infatuatedto be reasonable. I had this gut feeling she was using me emotionally, becauseI was a good guy and a listener, butwhen it came down to it she wanted nothing more; so she cut ties. She also saidshe wanted to be friends, and of course, my attempts came back void, were allin vain. I hated that I liked her so much, and maybe that is why she neverresponded, but it is hard investing so much into another person, than havingall of that totally blocked off, especially when you are an introvert.
Lately, I suppose I have been feeling lonely once again. Imiss my family and my friends. I do like my job here, but starting over in anew place from scratch is tough, and I really enjoy deep friendships, butgetting there is hard work, and you really have to sometimes try to investyourself in many places before you find friendships that really work and arereciprocal. Of course, part of me also would like to think about dating andbeing in a relationship. I mean, my older brother is engaged and gettingmarried in a few months, so that makes me happy for him but sad for myself insome ways. I know so many are happy for him; yet I feel certain questions andexpectations from those same people, asking me: When are you going to getmarried? Why aren’t you dating anyone?
Honestly, I do think about it, but the program I am in rightnow is only temporary, so I will have to be moving who knows where for a job inabout another year or so. Plus, I can barely afford to live for myself, with studentloans, bills, and this next month I will start trying to save money for my moveto wherever next year. I trust in all of this God knows what he is doing. Ihave to trust I know what I am doing somewhat as well. It is just hardsometimes, because when you are single and living alone, you feel you live foryourself, which sometimes makes you feel selfish; but it isn’t, because it isn’teven by choice but by necessity.
I miss having roommates, miss having someone to come hometoo like I did in college. I miss sharing life with someone in the day to day thatisn’t my face in the mirror. I feel in many ways the new job market is badbecause people my age have to constantly move from friends and family, so whilethey are advancing their career, there is a part of them that is left behind,all those invested relationships. Sure we have Facebook and texting, maybe evena phone call, but it isn’t the same as face to face contact. It isn’t the sameas sitting down at a coffee shop with friends you have known or going out toeat with your family. It is just different and it is something that is missed.I long for that kind of community again.
Then again, the past is not the present, nor the future;perhaps something better is coming along for me. I just wish it would get here.It is tough trying to hold on, hoping something better will come, and that thenext place will be a place I can stay for a long while. Ican invest without feeling I will have to just leave again in a few years. Iknow God has some plan. I want to be involved in that plan. But I also desire atight-knit community to be apart of, one that won’t evaporate on me. Acommunity that I can invest in and will invest in me for the long haul. I wanta place where I am able to be myself, as corny or serious as I may be. I praythat God keep me calm; that my worries, anxieties, and frustrations wouldn’town or depress me, but that I would continue to seek wisdom, love, andcommunity... and of course, that Christ always remain the core and focus of myvision for my life not matter how I feel. And that Christ love may rest on me,give me peace, and continue to be a beautiful song in my life and my soul.
~ Doubledb | | |
| It has been a very hard week for me. You always feel pretty self-sufficient until something comes along and shakes you in your boots, makes you quiver in your skin, perhaps makes you angry, annoyed, or fall to the floor in tears. I have written a lot on this blog about being single, as it relates to dating and being a minister, but the absence of close friends and family is also something very big, especially for those who are single and moving around, always having to go to the next place, make another life, be in another community, and start new friendships. This week was the first time in this new town that I had car trouble and that might seem minor, but it makes me feel so out of control. It reminds me of being back in high school and college, when I had to depend on others, when I was not free to go anywhere and wasn’t able to feel useful and productive with a job because I lacked transportation. It is also very odd to call people, whom I have only known a few months, and ask for help. I don’t want to seem like I am merely using people, but it feels that way, because I haven’t been in this town long enough to make really close friends and don’t really know who to call, on whom it wouldn't be a burden and who won't think I am trying to use them and take their friendship for granted. I did have one person from church and one person from work come to help me jump my car, once this Money and another time after I was on-call Friday so I could drive to the shop. From no water in my battery, new batteries, check engine light, car not starting, corroded battery clamps/cables, and spending 2.5 hours at the auto shop after a 24hr on-call; it has just been a emotionally exhausting week, as well as financially, shelling out $100 for a battery and $300 for repairs (and I may have not even needed a new battery!). I am feeling better now I suppose, but some residual feelings are still left. I don’t like not having order, not having control. I do not like feeling like my life is chaotic. I wonder about all the bad things that can happen. My car breaking down and I can’t go to work. Can’t find a ride. Can’t find someone to help. Everything worked out but I still do not like those feelings. I felt a lot calmer when I was around family, because a broke down car meant nothing bad, just call family; my mom or dad, maybe my brother,they would come and help. It will be OK. But when you are own your own, away from everyone, you only have your self, you are all alone; at least that is how it feels. You have to relearn everything, make new friends, and go to another church. Sometimes it is just so much. After moving to Lubbock, I would like a job here or only to move another time, then stay put for a long while. I am tired of moving, of being and feeling uprooted. I want to make friends and not have to leave anymore. The odd thing is, I am so blessed, and everything turned out fine; yet emotionally I still feel icky somehow. I guess I would just like some peace, some stability. I am thankful for where I am at, yet I know I will likely have to move again and do all this over again. I guess I am getting better at moving but I want to be better at staying, at being. If I have to move again, I want it to be in a place where I can stay for at least 5-15years. I want a good job, deep and long friendships, and to be in a church knowing I wont be there for the short-term. ~ Daniel Edit: Sorry I repeated myself. I noticed as I was editing this but I am leaving it because I think it shows my emotions somehow in all of this. | | |
| Within the last few years, I have seen many articles (some links at the bottom of this blog) on why men, including single men, are leaving the church. Many of these blogs and articles have spoken of the feminization of the church; with flowers, plants, and other things seemingly "feminine". Among singles, I have read in most places that men are leaving the church because they are not men but boys. They do not want to man-up and take on the leadership role but would rather live with their parents, drink, and play video games. While some of these critiques may be true, I would like to offer some different ideas and perspectives.
(1) The Recession - Stereotypically, many say women deal with the issue of being seen as pretty, attractive, especially as beautiful. While men do desire to be seen as attractive, men tend to want to be told they have done a good job, provided, and been successful. In the last five years, the recession has made men feel they are failing at being men because of circumstances out of their control. Even between my graduation from seminary in 2008 and my chaplain residency in 2011, I felt I was a failure. For the man who is married, especially with children, this is something so very horrible. To be forced every day to get up and apply for jobs and/or work minimal jobs until something good comes along, if it comes along at all, is torture. When a man’s value is found in his work and success and he is fired or can’t find a job, he will recoil; move inward, as he tries to deal with all of his emotions. Yes, men do have emotions, but most do not prefer to show them and may only express these to key individuals and close friends. For the single person, this presents a problem because his equity and date-able-ness is found in his success as a person: Is this man someone who has goals, purposes, and a good job? Can be provide? See, even with equality between the sexes becoming more prominent, men are still bound up as their role as provider and leader, so when they cannot exude success, even when dating, they feel like failures. As these men feel like failures, they will seek NOT to be around others (including church), having to constantly address their situation with others (Also: Most things to do [including dating for singles] cost money: Movies, Bowling, Lunch, Dinner, etc - money these people do not have to spend).
Movie to See: "Company Men"
(2) Leadership/Headship - One thing I cannot get over is how the leadership or headship of the male is becoming an end-all to arguments and conflicts, with the man being called to fault. If the house is not cleaned, to whose satisfaction and perception is it not clean enough? Who thinks who is too lazy or not productive enough? If a couple comes in for counseling, who do we think is the problem? The truth is that marriage is about compromise and communication (and love of course), so one has to wonder who is wrong when the men never seem to be able to be up to the standard women seem to want. The real truth is both. A more rational and logical step would be to sit down and communicate together, as equals, and express desires and expectations, then find some mutual agreement. Now, understand I am speaking in stereotypes and generalizations. For too long, the man as the headship has been used to target men as the problem, how could it be otherwise when he is "in charge"? If the household is in disarray and the children have gone wild, the man was not being a good enough husband, father, and/or leader for his household. I have also experienced this as being single. I was in Sunday School once where the women started saying in a dating relationships when ladies are in too emotional, get physical, or are spiritually down; it is the man's fault because he is supposed to be the leader. They made themselves as docile, sensitive creatures, who were innocent, naive, and any problem stemmed from the man not stepping up to the plate. I present that this is causing many single men to leave the church. The church should be a safe place and I think many men feel blame because of the leader and headship role. It is ridiculous and wrong. However, if these men said something, many would just tell them they are not fulfilling their God-ordained role; so instead many men are likely to just leave the church. I propose that men and women are equals, marriage and dating are partnerships, and any submission should be both mutual and under God.
Scripture to Read: Ephesians 5
(3) Dummy Mentality - Ever hear a preacher say something like: "It is not his fault, he just doesn’t know any better" OR "You will have to forgive him, he's a man"? I propose that the church may be supporting an underlying feminism it isn’t even aware of, namely, one in which women are smart and men are dumb. It seems like when a woman does something wrong it is a mistake but when a man does something wrong it is because he is simply not smart... You can't blame him for not being as good as a woman, right? I present this as another perspective on why men are leaving the church, they simply do not like being mocked or joked about. Sure, mistakes and funny situations happen, but generalizing them and projecting those onto men, and also onto the intellect of men, instead of a mistake, is not only mean, it is degrading. How would a woman feel if someone in the pulpit said: It is not her fault, she is a woman. Wait… wasn’t this some of the old ways men spoke of women? Is it possible now there is some kind of switch taking place? How is this possible?
TV Show to See: Everybody Loves Raymond
Men Do Have Emotions, They don't like to share them...
If they do share, they want and desire a safe place...
Church currently does not seem to be that place for them.
Men want to be listened to, not just talked at...
Men want to feel heard and understood...
Church currently does not seem to be that place for them.
What do you think?
Why are men, married and single, leaving the church?
Do you think the church is (too) masculine or feminine?
What changes should be or can be done to remedy this situation?
~ Daniel
Pic:
Links/Articles: | | |
| The Angel flew as fast as he could, following the sunset in the west, trying to get back before the sun set. He wasn’t going to make it. That was clear. The darkness crept up behind him faster than he could fly. He now realized he was going to have to hide somewhere close. But where? What place would he be safe from the things that come out in the night, in that blackest dark?
He found a cave in one of the mountains and descended down into the darkness. Here he would sleep through the night and hope he was left alone. He began to drift off to sleep and began to dream.
He saw an obscure figure standing outside the cave watching him, waiting. He saw yellow eyes that glowed with evil intent. He began to feel restless and worried. The black figure looked like a young man or boy, wearing some kind of cloak, making his form hard to figure out and perceive next to the already black forest behind him. The Angel could hear his breathing... in and out... Why did he just stand there? What devious plot was about to unfold? The man stood still. The figure said nothing.
Then the cave began to get very cold, so frigid that he began to shake and shiver. Slowly from the opening ice started to form on the ground, but at a rather rapid pace. It crept closer toward the angel as the dark figure stared. The ice was not merely on the ground but above and beside him. He would have been fascinated if he wasn’t so scared. It might have been beautiful if he was not frightened for his life. As the ice began to get to his feet and wings he backed up into the cave, farther into the dark abyss. He saw nothing, saw emptiness. Then behind him he heard a tragic noise, the sound of a pack of wolves howling from deep inside the cave. They must have picked up his scent. He had no where to go, nowhere to run. He was being attacked now from every side.
He slowly pulled out his sword with a long silver edge and a hard teal hilt. He was not going to go down without a fight, even if this was to be his end; it might be there's as well. The ice crept closer, the howling got louder, and the man with the yellow eyes began to move forward. He saw his breathe in the cold air. His tension rose. As the man came closer he drew up his sword and was going into a swing when the ice finally got to his feet and he slipped. All he saw was those eyes move, heard the howling continue, and felt the ice as he fell and hit hard the bottom of the cave floor. The pain was so intense.
The angel awoke with his heart beating fast. Had he lost his sanity? Didn’t he believe God would protect him even in the midst of the darkest and coldest night? Where was his mind? Where was his faith? He was cold now and looked outside and saw a cold blizzard had come through, which he guessed was why he had dreamed of the creeping ice. But what of the figure in the dark cloak with the yellow eyes? What of the howls of the animals wanting to eat and devour him? Oh, how he wished the sun would come up soon. He was very powerful during the day but at night, he could not fly, he had no strength, but he did have his sword and his skills. He made his way deeper into the cave, started a fire for some light and comfort, then pulled out his sword and held it in his strong hands. He grasped it tightly and with confidence, and then began once more to drift off, hopefully until morning.
~ Doubledb @lkjslain
Writing Prompt: http://lkjslain.xanga.com/758794028/serious-writing-prompt-10--/
You must use all three pictures (sunset, angel, boy with dark hoodie/cloak)
The key words, "ice" "Blizzard" "fascination" "obscure" "devious" and "sanity"
The color is "teal"
And the sound is "a pack of HOWLING wolves"
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True
